Do I Go?

Maybe I’m not the person I thought I was.

Maybe I’m not where I thought I would be.

Maybe I got it all wrong.

I worked hard to prep for this job. I studied and prepared. I did it all – everything I was taught to do. I knew I was ready. I could hardly wait for this job.

I knew I could do it. I believed in the job. It’s a big job. An important job. It’s a job that needs to be done. And done well.

And I sure believed in me, in my skills and training.

I believed in me, in the job, in me doing the job.

Maybe I was too sure of myself.

Too certain I was meant for this job.

Maybe I was too excited to be doing the job. Too full of myself, of my training, of my commitment.

Overconfident. Maybe that was my problem.

But, oh I care. I care so much it hurts.

Because I made a mistake. I messed up. I didn’t see what was right in front of my face.

I’m the compliance professional. The person who catches anything that violates our code of conduct. The person who pays close attention to any potential violation. The person who makes sure everything in this workplace stays on the straight and narrow.

That’s my job. To be alert. To catch problems before they get out of control. To set a high standard. To stop every potential violation before it becomes a danger to the entire company.

That’s my job. My responsibility. My life.

I’m here to catch problems – whether by mistake or on purpose. My job. My life.

To stop bad stuff before it becomes a real crisis.

But I failed. I missed all the clues, all the signs, all the small signals. Now the misconduct is crashing into us, churning our workplace, undermining everyone.

And it’s all on me. I missed it.

All of it. I missed so many small indicators.

It’s all falling apart, and I don’t know what to do now. Do I go?

Do I give up on my job, all my studies, all my preparations?

Do I quit? Do I pack up my belongings and resign?

Do I go to the big boss and make it easy for her to fire me? To let me go? To accept the fault is mine?

What do I do now? Is there any way I can help correct the bad situation? Any way I can take this bad situation and find ways to get us all through it?

Yes, I failed. I missed the early signs. They all got past me. My fault for not paying close enough attention.

Still, this is a job I love, a job that matters – to me and to everyone else here. This is me, who I am, who I wanted to be, who I worked hard to become.

I am a compliance professional.

Perhaps we can get through this. Somehow.

Perhaps we can find solutions for the problems that came at us.

Perhaps I can help us recover, make a rough situation get better, do my job no matter what.

So, here I am. With a tough decision to make. Do I write a resignation letter, go to my boss and end my work here in failure?

Or do I fight? Fight the feeling of failure. Fight to restore our company’s good name. Fight to keep my job – the job I love.

Do I go? Or do I fight?

© 2024 K. Leet

What do you think?

Should the compliance professional give up and resign?

Or should she fight?

What would you do?