Best Compliance Officer Ever

I want to tell you this – we have the best compliance officer on this planet. Maybe the best in the entire solar system. Maybe even historically best in all of time.

Our compliance officer cannot ever be replaced. Not ever. Every single worker in our company loves, loves, loves our compliance guy.

I mean it. Really. We love him. Always have. Always will.

Why do we love the guy? Wanna know? Huh? Do you?

Well, I’ll tell you. He takes all the heat. All the blame. All the repercussions. He stands his ground. He never backs down. Never steps away. Never gives in to the boss. Never.

Our boss – well, what can I say? She’s our boss. She’s in charge. We – none of us – ever, ever, ever argues with her. None of us disagrees with her. None of us fails to support her decisions.

No matter how wrong, stupid, insane those decisions might be.

She’s a good boss in many ways. She makes sure we are all paid well. She knows each one of us. And mostly she treats us well, supports us, stands up for us.

But sometimes – what can I say? Sometimes she goes seriously, terrifyingly, stupidly, off the rails. She stumbles onto some wacko idea – she likes it. She grabs ahold of it and decides to do it. No matter how odd, strange or bizarre it might be. Too often though, whatever her latest wacko idea, it is not – I repeat, not – legal.

We all sit there quietly while she goes on. What choice do we have? Our boss is strong willed, aggressive as all get out and seriously blind to good sense when she gets one of her brain explosions.

All of us just mark time, knowing what is coming.

Then in comes our hero. Our compliance officer hero. He stands there, bold, strong, professional. And he listens to the new idea our boss spits out at him.

“No,” he says to her. It always jolts us. Nobody else – ever – on the planet – says “no” to her. Nobody. Ever.

As others nearby swiftly slip away, disappearing into restrooms or under their desks, he stands his ground.

Our boss hisses and yells. She tells him where he can go and what he can do when he gets there.

He does not even flinch. Superman eat your heart out. Our guy is tougher than an even dozen Supermen.

He never yells. Never loses his calm, in-charge stance. Never ducks or runs for cover. He never backs down.

After she rants and raves, throws stuff, breaks stuff and turns interesting colors, she takes a deep breath, stops acting like a maniac and pays attention to his list of reasons why she cannot do whatever wacko stunt she wanted to try.

She backs down. He never gloats. He stays calm, cool, collected. We all know that later, behind the scenes, when no one knows, she will go back to him, even apologize. Even she knows he was right.

Guess where we go with problems? Worries? Fears? Dilemmas? You guessed it. We take all our problems to him. He stands up for us all.

Our compliance officer is great – he’s our guy and he’s the best ever!

© 2024 K. Leet

What do you think?

How do you handle problems?

How would you handle all this?

Aren’t you glad she’s not your boss?

These are stories (usually fictional, but not always), based on insights and experiences from the world of compliance & ethics.