Internal What?

Huh? What? A surprise what? An internal what? An unannounced what?

Audit? Review? Nobody ever mentioned that! Why didn’t anybody tell me? Why wasn’t there a memo? There are always memos around here. New memos every day. They love memos. Well, what’s not to love? Memos are fine with me. The more the merrier. Right? Right.

But no. Not a single memo to warn me.

No bulletins. No explanations. No email message. No pages of detailed information. There’re always a few dozen pages of detailed information around here.

This job is full of information. Detailed information. Pages and pages.

But no. Not this time. Not today.

Some stranger walks in, with our local compliance person, glances around, then comes right up and starts to check my desk.

What? Why me? Why my desk?

They tell me it’s a surprise. Well, no duh. I can tell it’s a surprise. It’s me – sitting right here. At my own desk. While some stranger peeks inside my desk drawers.

My desk drawers. Mine. All mine. Only mine.

This dude starts to inspect my desk. Mine.

Ouch, ouch, ouch. Now the whole office will know my inner most secrets.

Sigh. The stranger finds my secret stash.

Jelly beans. In my top desk drawer. Nobody knows I suck on jelly beans when I’m anxious. I loved jelly beans when I was a kid. Still love them now. They do not affect my work in any way. But they are kinda my embarrassing secret.

So this person, this stranger, this compliance inspector finds my jelly bean secret stash. Will he tell everybody? Hold up my jelly bean stash? Shame and humiliate me? Will he?

Without even glancing up, he goes on poking around in my desk drawers.

He finds my finger nail clippings. OK. Yes. I clip my nails on the job. It sort of calms me. Helps me think. That kinda thing. Just a quirky habit.

He goes on poking around in my desk. He finds my asthma inhaler. He passed over my soda machine money in its envelope. He studies my scribbles of triangles I draw while I’m thinking.

I’ve broken no rules.

I’ve been honest, caring, hard working. Always. I stay on the straight and narrow. Really. I do.

But if he tells everyone about my silly little secrets – finger nail clippings, jelly beans, all that…. Well, I’d be a laughing stock, a target for jokes – my self-respect at risk here.

I hold my breath and wait.

The compliance inspector guy in his serious suit and somber tie makes eye contact with me. He has gone through my files, examined my notes from staff meetings, checked that all my work was on the up and up.

He nods. Gives me a quick wink. Grins and says aloud, “It’s all good here. No rules broken. No major crimes in the works. Nothing out of the norm. We can move on. Who’s next on the list here?”

I can breathe again. My silly secrets are still safe. But I still do not – I mean do NOT – like surprise compliance audits.

© 2024 K. Leet

What do you think?

Why would there be surprise audits?

What purpose do they serve?

Do they deter wrongdoing?

Do they undermine trust?

Have you ever experienced one?

These are stories (usually fictional, but not always), based on insights and experiences from the world of compliance & ethics.